A Time for Change

In the last few months, I’ve been through LOTS of changes: transitioning from student to working professional, dependence to independence, Mississippi to Colorado, and living with roommates to living at home and back again. So, why not some more? I was debating whether I should post this as it's pretty personal. But, it should be fairly axiomatic as to why I need to. For the most part I love the way I am. I like being introverted and adventurous. I usually even like being short (except when it comes to dating). There are a few things, however, that I don’t like, such as my quiet voice, my shyness, and my passiveness. A professor once told me that people generally settle into a personality in their early twenties and stay that way for the remainder of their lives. It’s not too late for a change, but the clock is ticking.

I find I have to limit my options and really force myself into change. It's like mountain biking. When riding a geared bike, I don’t have the will power to push myself to the limit. Eventually I default to a lower, easier gear. With a single speed, however, I have no such option. If there’s a hill, I attack it with every ounce of energy to get to the top, or I walk. I hate walking.

All my life I’ve had a soft voice. Always told to speak up, asked to repeat myself. That’s part of the reason for change. The other part is that I just admire people that effortlessly project their voice. It gives the impression of confidence and strength. I like that. The difficulty here is simply reminding myself to do it. Just a day of speaking loudly and I’d probably get used to it and not even have to think about it. Still working on a solution.

I’ve just about conquered shyness, at least to a point with which I’m comfortable. I can carry on a conversation with a stranger if I want. But, I’m also comfortable with silence. I still find myself being shy occasionally, and it’s something I want to eliminate entirely. I see no benefit to shyness. Not to be confused with introversion. I love solitude at times, but I don’t want some weird emotion keeping me there. Reasons for change: I haven’t had a girlfriend in almost three years, and have only made a few friends in that time. Possibly more from a lack of trying than anything. That’s not how I want to live. Although to be fair, for the last year employment and housing have been my top priorities, but those are now taken care of. Part of this is already remedied with my move to Colorado where I have a lot more in common with people. The other fix is just getting out of the house, and again, lots of opportunities for that here: dog park, hiking, mountain biking, racing, climbing, music, beer. The list is excitingly endless.

Passiveness applies to both good and bad emotions. Such as not talking to the cute girl. Or, avoiding confrontation for the sake of peace when there’s a legitimate cause worth standing up for. For example, last weekend when another guy was all over the girl I was supposed to be “hanging out” with. Clearly she misunderstood me when I asked. I’ve never wanted to punch somebody (the other guy) so bad in my life. And, I wish I would've, or at least said something at the time. It was bullshit. She's definitely not worth fighting for, but that was way out of line.

Another thing is developing a sense of style. As it turns out, I like wearing clothes that make me look good. So, I've been expanding my wardrobe here and there and giving away things I don't wear. I'm also planning on getting a tattoo similar to the background of this blog, but I could probably write an entire post on that. All just symbols of change and self expression.

 “We’ve gotta make a decision: We leave tonight or live and die this way.” – Tracy Chapman.

It starts now. Change can’t wait and this is a perfect time in my life for it. It starts with small steps and climbs toward a permanent difference. I’m not trying to be perfect; in fact, I don’t believe in perfection. It’s an impossible, subjective standard that provides no useful comparison. But, there’s no reason not to strive for improvement.